Hello Readers,
First of all thank you for taking your time to read this article, I’m John Renait a Photographer / Blogger living in London. I've contemplated documenting my time in isolation from day 1 but I fell into a creative depression quite fast.
So here goes.. you’re about to read my deepest and darkest thoughts.
TRIGGER WARNING: I must warn you this article contains depressive themes throughout and more. If you are easily triggered I advise you to read with caution.
This article is not a cry for help, its purpose is to simply document how I'm feeling and give me an opportunity to share with others. I am completely fine and on a journey to better myself :)
Thank you.
DAY 57
May 13th 2020
It's been 57 days since lockdown began, my life has definitely changed rapidly. My last official work date was March 17th 2020. Since then we’ve been placed under strict instructions to remain home for the foreseeable future, I’ve struggled to keep my creative passion alive, as it stands writing this article is the most creative thing I’ve done thus far!
Long days and long nights, I often find myself struggling with the concept of linear time. What is a schedule? How do we define organistaion? Life is full purpose and without it I seem lost and mystified. I’ve spent a lot of my time editing photos, calling loved ones (and friends), writing articles and planning.
Mentally I’m experiencing growth is some areas and in some areas I feel like I have taken a step back. I have big issue with infatuation, what I mean is I desire to be loved and when a person expresses their care for me I go into autopilot. Feelings that become irrational take over, slowly but surely I’m taking steps to decrease that intensity.
Day 59
May 15th 2020
I’m laying in bed thinking about the one that got away, a girl so funny and beautiful she melts my heart. A part of me knows I’m not good enough for her, some days I think she’s just as bad for me. Sending direct messages on Instagram at 6am is never a good thing but.. here I am sending her a message trying to find out how she is, does she miss me? Do you think about me? Why hasn’t texted me?
Earlier in the week I spoke to a friend about my complicated relationships status, they encouraged me to send her a message (so I did). Nearly 16 hours has passed since I plucked the courage to message her, so far my message has been read but a response hasn’t come through.
Some days I struggle to sleep and some nights I lay with tears in my eyes, filled with disappointment and fear. Some days I feel like I can conquer anything, achieve anything, some days I feel low and useless. Overall I began my isolation with the belief that the people that connect with me will take the time to reach out to me, so far hat hasn’t been the case.
I know this is a phase I’ve been depressed before so i know this isn’t it, I’m like a monk on a journey to find my destiny. In attempt to have fun I spent the next few hours dancing and playing music, I couldn't imagine my life without music and sounds.
My little brother and I have found a new hobby, we love to play racing games together and watch Avatar (the anime). I’m one of 7, I have three brothers and three sisters, as an older brother I have made mistakes but know I can be a great older brother. I’m determined to not let myself make the same mistakes I did before, I will sacrifice everything to protect the bond I have with him.
Family is a big part of my way of living, without family and friends is life worth
living?
DAY 60
May 16th 2020
It’s been over a day and a half since i I sent my “reconnecting message “ to the girl liked, I can officially say it’s been ignore. The old me would wonder why she hasn’t responded and question my actions, the new me is mature enough to accept my current situation. I have so many personal things I need to work on, while I do this the right person for me will be out there waiting for me. I’m a lot stronger than I give myself credit for, step by step I will better myself therefore becoming the man I’m proud of.
I’ve decided to create my own destiny and it starts with treating my body like a temple, since going into lockdown my health and fitness has slipped. I’ve readopted lazy habits and with all habits conquering them will be a battle. Mentally I believe I am ready to face them, walking, running and light exercises will be my main focus in the next coming weeks.
I've gained weight in places you can't imagine haha, my next step will be to watch what I eat. I won’t start a strict diet given the fact I’m in isolation but I will increasingly slower monitor my snacking habits and eating patterns.
I have mixed opinions on fate and destiny, is it real? Everything happens for a reason? I honestly don't know, what I do know is that I can only control my own actions and how I respond to my circumstances. It’s time I put away my toys and take steps toward leaving my legacy on earth.
I will be a better human, I declare it.
DAY 61
May 17th 2020
So for a while now I’ve been using Sunday’s to reflect, earlier this week a close friend called to encourage me spiritually. I’m from a Christians orientated family, attending church services, praying habitually and attending bibical Saturday school is the norm for me. Lately my faith In higher Powers and people has dwindled, when I look at earth and see what it has to offer I can’t help but believe something so beautiful has to be hand crafted.
I spent most of my morning reflecting on what I represent, when others look at me what do they see? Many find their identity in their lifestyles, places of work or what they are told by others. As a photographer my portraits are used to capture emotions, identity, most importantly tell a story.
Using social media to reaffirm your identity is a mistake I’ve fallen into previously, as a content creator it’s so easy to compare your value to others. Comparison has its pros and cons but social media is an unrealistic place to draw your affirmation from, I've begun to challenge myself to mute instagrammers that cloud my judgement or the birth negative seeds in my life.
I wish I could post my content without needing to check how many likes it’s accrued or who’s sharing my work. I’m more appreciative of how hard I’ve worked and how much more I can grow on the path I’m on.
So there you have it, this is the first part of my isolation diary. I hope it wasn’t too graphic or disheartening, I think it’s great to re-evaluate yourself from time to time. The more I write about how I feel the more exited I am too see how far I’ll go in my journey in bettering myself.
My advice is find someone who is great listener and has your best wishes at heart, open up to them. Speak up if you feel alone, allow yourself to be vulnerable (with the right person). It’s okay to put your hands up and tell others you’re not okay.
How you handle your circumstances can change the outcome of your destiny.
I would love to hear your thoughts/opinions, you can contact me via email renaitreborn@gmail.com or Instagram @renaitreborn, thank you for diving in to my mind.
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John Renait
Owner/Photographer
Please visit:
@renaitreborn
@renaitclothing