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Isolation Diaries vol.2

Thank you for taking your time to read this article, I’m John Renait a Photographer / Blogger living in London.

TRIGGER WARNING: I must warn you this article contains depressive themes throughout and more. If you are easily triggered I advise you to read with caution.

This article is not a cry for help, its purpose is to simply document how I'm feeling and give me an opportunity to share with others. I am completely fine and on a journey to better myself :)

Thank you.

DAY 62

May 18th 2020

The amount of support I've received from my last isolation diary entry was astonishing, from reading all the feedback over 90% was positive. I was honestly fearful to share a play by play of my life, I've gone far and beyond my imagination. I feel like I’ve had a small effect on others, a lot of people have shared the issues they've also been dealing with during quarantine.

There’s a huge fear factor when sharing personal information online, I’m not sure if I would encourage it but for me it felt right.

You can read my last isolation diary entry here:

Aside from Photography and entrepreneurship, my personal dream is to produce and sell my own clothing. As a teenager I’ve never understood the concept of branding, why do consumers spend over £1000 on Gucci? What does it say about the person?

Like I’ve previously mentioned I’m one of 7 children, so wearing the latest clothes and shoes wasn’t a thing. Don’t get me wrong I wore hand me downs and used pocket money/birthday money to look the part at school. My goal isn’t just to produce clothing, it’s to create something affordable, minimal with a Urban vibe. I believe without a captivating aura not everyone can carry a minimal look.

Kanye West does not haven't the most appealing clothing or affordable clothing but his clientele list off the charts, people buy into his message (branding). I believe without a captivating aura not everyone can carry a minimal look, Kayne West has that aura. I want the same message for my Clothing brand.

Materials and jewellery can help mask who you are but what happens if we don't let our appearance define us. What will your friends think of you in plain white T-shirt?

The main thing stopping me from launching my clothing line is fear, what happens if it's a failure? Will I recover financially? I always joke and say “well if my clothing line flops I’ll just wear it myself :)”, it's an inner circle joke.

Quotes of the day:

  • “How you handle your circumstances will change your destiny”

  • “Failure in only is a set back for the get back”

The rest of the day was spent on Netflix and Podcasts, I hate saying this but the internet has provided me unique tools to keep going mentally. On a brighter note one of my favourite Photographers has just started a podcast, I'm excited to listen (get involved).

DAY 63

May 19th 2020

The next day I woke up to a text from a girl I would say I was romantically involved with, to my surprise she read my last Isolation diary entry and thought I deserved more clarification why we didn't work. We split on decent terms, our feelings weren’t mutual, I pursued her for over a year.

From the moment I met her I fell in Love, during our encounter I was heavily involved in my local church. My walk with God and god like things were unrivalled, I was on fire but heavily conflicted with my feelings.

On the one hand I wanted to be truthful to myself, the looming fear of committing sexual sin was apparent. So we made a pact at the start of our relationship, we decided to not be sexually driven by instead feed off each intellectually. Till the end of our pact we held our promise to the very end, this is a great achievement. We kept our relationship completely platonic and instead enjoyed learning about each other's likes & dislikes.

When she ended our relationship I was left in despair and without clarity on our situation. I fell into a slow depression, I hardly left the house for 6 months. I undertook some basic things like going to work but socially and mentally I was broken.

Outside of work I spent most evenings listening to depressing music, crying, at the height of my depression basic things like showering, speaking to others became a heavy task or non-existent. I had no care in the world, my purpose was attached to her. A very dangerous outcome, In some instances her leaving me was a blessing. Suicidal thoughts coarse through my brain, a part of me truly considered it.

6 months later I could see light at the end of the tunnel. I wanted to find a word that described my journey. I Googled the word “Reborn” and to my surprise "Renaitre” popped up (French translation), I proceeded to shorten the word Renaitre into Renait. Through my horrible journey my Photography brand Renait Reborn was born,