Thank you for taking your time to read this article, I’m John Renait a Photographer / Blogger living in London.
TRIGGER WARNING: I must warn you this article contains depressive themes throughout and more. If you are easily triggered I advise you to read with caution.
This article is not a cry for help, its purpose is to simply document how I'm feeling and give me an opportunity to share with others. I am completely fine and on a journey to better myself :)
Thank you.
DAY 62
May 18th 2020
The amount of support I've received from my last isolation diary entry was astonishing, from reading all the feedback over 90% was positive. I was honestly fearful to share a play by play of my life, I've gone far and beyond my imagination. I feel like I’ve had a small effect on others, a lot of people have shared the issues they've also been dealing with during quarantine.
There’s a huge fear factor when sharing personal information online, I’m not sure if I would encourage it but for me it felt right.
You can read my last isolation diary entry here:
Aside from Photography and entrepreneurship, my personal dream is to produce and sell my own clothing. As a teenager I’ve never understood the concept of branding, why do consumers spend over £1000 on Gucci? What does it say about the person?
Like I’ve previously mentioned I’m one of 7 children, so wearing the latest clothes and shoes wasn’t a thing. Don’t get me wrong I wore hand me downs and used pocket money/birthday money to look the part at school. My goal isn’t just to produce clothing, it’s to create something affordable, minimal with a Urban vibe. I believe without a captivating aura not everyone can carry a minimal look.
Kanye West does not haven't the most appealing clothing or affordable clothing but his clientele list off the charts, people buy into his message (branding). I believe without a captivating aura not everyone can carry a minimal look, Kayne West has that aura. I want the same message for my Clothing brand.
Materials and jewellery can help mask who you are but what happens if we don't let our appearance define us. What will your friends think of you in plain white T-shirt?
The main thing stopping me from launching my clothing line is fear, what happens if it's a failure? Will I recover financially? I always joke and say “well if my clothing line flops I’ll just wear it myself :)”, it's an inner circle joke.
Quotes of the day:
“How you handle your circumstances will change your destiny”
“Failure in only is a set back for the get back”
The rest of the day was spent on Netflix and Podcasts, I hate saying this but the internet has provided me unique tools to keep going mentally. On a brighter note one of my favourite Photographers has just started a podcast, I'm excited to listen (get involved).
DAY 63
May 19th 2020
The next day I woke up to a text from a girl I would say I was romantically involved with, to my surprise she read my last Isolation diary entry and thought I deserved more clarification why we didn't work. We split on decent terms, our feelings weren’t mutual, I pursued her for over a year.
From the moment I met her I fell in Love, during our encounter I was heavily involved in my local church. My walk with God and god like things were unrivalled, I was on fire but heavily conflicted with my feelings.
On the one hand I wanted to be truthful to myself, the looming fear of committing sexual sin was apparent. So we made a pact at the start of our relationship, we decided to not be sexually driven by instead feed off each intellectually. Till the end of our pact we held our promise to the very end, this is a great achievement. We kept our relationship completely platonic and instead enjoyed learning about each other's likes & dislikes.
When she ended our relationship I was left in despair and without clarity on our situation. I fell into a slow depression, I hardly left the house for 6 months. I undertook some basic things like going to work but socially and mentally I was broken.
Outside of work I spent most evenings listening to depressing music, crying, at the height of my depression basic things like showering, speaking to others became a heavy task or non-existent. I had no care in the world, my purpose was attached to her. A very dangerous outcome, In some instances her leaving me was a blessing. Suicidal thoughts coarse through my brain, a part of me truly considered it.
6 months later I could see light at the end of the tunnel. I wanted to find a word that described my journey. I Googled the word “Reborn” and to my surprise "Renaitre” popped up (French translation), I proceeded to shorten the word Renaitre into Renait. Through my horrible journey my Photography brand Renait Reborn was born,
I urge anyone struggling with depression to speak to someone, preferably someone with experience. There is no shame in seeking therapy, I'm happy I was able to overcome my situation
After our conversation I decided to go for a walk, I've gotta try to keep healthy. I ended the day happy and optimistic.
Day 64
May 21st 2020
I visited the post office in an attempt to send a friend a cheque, due to corona the queue was ridiculously long. My anxiety in relation to queues flared up, I felt a great discomfort. I haven’t experienced this feeling in a long time. It's very concerning that there are so many people not adhering to the social distancing rules or wearing the correct PPE (masks and gloves).
On a lighter note it's finally my birthday next week, before the pandemic I decided to celebrate my 25th with a holiday. I’m coming to terms with spending my birthday at home with family.
DAY 65
May 22nd 2020
I woke up in the middle of the night crying, I had a dream of a close relative that passed away before his time. I can hardly remember most of my dreams but just seeing his face was enough to set me off.
I’m not sure if I’ve fully dealt with the untimely demise of my brother, he was stabbed in the crossfire of a Gang Warfare.
In my opinion given the right opportunities and guidance he would've become a great man. He taught me a lot and was my main source of male guidance. Unfortunately he was ripped away from me at the tender age of 13/14. After his passing I rebelled in school, walking out of lessons, getting into fights. Gallivanting like a hoodlum and becoming a generic nuisance.
The scary part about dealing with my first close relative death is not receiving counselling, I hardly cried or showcased any emotions. I think It’s super important to speak openly about your emotions and receive mediation to understand your next steps in overcoming the concept of death.
Time heals all wounds meaning negative feelings eventually fade away.
DAY 71st
May 28th 2020
I can’t believe I’m 25 (oh how time flies), I’ve never been a person that looks forward to celebrating birthdays. In the past I’ve completely brushed off my earth day. At the time of this article London is still under lockdown conditions, currently we are in Phase 2 of lockdown. Even though we are able to meet with close relatives and friends (within limits) all restaurants, bars, clubs (places of entertainment) are still closed.
I spent the day at home eating, consuming calories without guilt :) playing music and reflecting with my nearest and dearest family. If you told me at 16 I’ll be a happy 25 year old attempting to conquer the world I would’ve laughed. I received so many messages and calls from friends and family.
A friend of mine even went so far as to travel to my house to see me, I’m befuddled and in awe. I respect and appreciate everyone that has stuck by me through my trials and tribulations, I know who you are.
One of my goals this year is to build more connections and strengthen all of my friendships. I feel like I’m close to achieving this, I definitely feel the love and appreciation <3
DAY 73rd
May 30th 2020
I’m ready to make my social media comeback, I’m finding my groove again. It feels good, I’m putting less emphasis on posting and doing more research. I’ve reopened my personal Instagram @johnrenait, so many memories, so many throwbacks. I’ll be posting more self portraits taken during my isolation, all Portraits are intended to express my individuality (experimentation purposes).
Posting images privately with no pressure of exposure, likes or engagement, is a freeing experience I didn't know I missed. My main Instagram platform represents my brand therefore my creativity, likes and shares are public indicators how others appreciate my art.
Here examples of my self portraits (experimentation):
My confidence is rising.
I got a beautiful message from a friend I haven’t spoken to in over 6 months. We previously worked together and our friendship is purely platonic. Her energy is so bubbly and consuming it’s a breath of fresh air. I honestly feel like I’m a good judge of character, she’s full of positivity (just what the doctor ordered). We spoke on the phone for an 1h 30mins, times flies when you’re having fun.
She’s offered to be my tour guide on my next holiday, hopefully you’ll be seeing her soon in my next travel blogs :)
Read my last travel blog here: https://www.renaitreborn.com/post/switzerlandtravelblog
DAY 74th
May 31st 2020
In the last couple of weeks videos and more information was released about the unlawful homicide of ahmaud arbery. Another unlawful killing of Black named George Floyd, has occurred. As a young black male I’ve first hand felt and seen the injustices people of colour experience. I’ve been on the other side of “white privilege”, I'm proud that most of my closest friends are from different ethnic groups, religion and or sexes. As a whole I’ve tried to keep my opinions off social media as I prefer holding discussions face to face more beneficial.
After a few days of taking in all information that has been presented online (without being overcome with complete sadness), I’ve come to the conclusion that racism might not cease to exist in my lifetime. Does NOT mean I haven’t got a voice and my people are helpless.
The black lives matter campaign is standing against injustices bestowed specifically to black men, women and children (of all shades). A deep conversation needs to take place across all nations. Laws, political parties, education systems and ethical practices need to be revised once again.
I will not deny that we have made progress however more needs to be done. Like with all systems and protocols revisions need to be made, I personally thank everyone that has/is supporting our cause.
Ultimately ALL humans should be treated the same, despite their sex, colour, religion and or beliefs ♥️ we can't change the past but we can change the future.
For help with any things depression / sucide related please contact:
Samaritans
jo@samaritans.org
116 123 (from any UK phone)
You can support and fight against injustices here:
Have your say below
Justice for George Floyd
Justice for Ahmaud Arbery
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I would love to hear your thoughts / opinions, you can contact me via email renaitreborn@gmail.com or Instagram @renaitreborn
Thank you for diving into my mind.
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John Renait
Owner/Photographer
Please visit:
@renaitreborn
@renaitclothing
www.renaitreborn.com
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